


Whodunnit

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Bestieship, Clint is Your Bestie, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, For My Lovelies, Mindfuck, Mostly Crack, Not so Afternoon Delight-I mean dreaming either, Not so Corny, Steve is Innocent, best shit ever, not really but sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 20:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4072807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Okay I think Clint’s got the corner here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks (y/n).”</p><p> </p><p>“Anytime bud.”</p><p> </p><p>“Obviously you’re biased.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s true. Thor’s pretty packing.”</p><p> </p><p>“I had not anticipated going on a trip; did we have a mission coming up?”</p><p> </p><p>You were about to slap yourself in the forehead but Tony did it for you. “OW!”</p><p> </p><p>“What? Mission?” Innocent Steve came walking in. “I wasn’t briefed on that. Is it this week?!”</p><p> </p><p>Mindfuckery and Bullshittery at its best</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whodunnit

**Author's Note:**

> So i've been fucking sick as fuck, but i had to slave over something so my lovelies could enjoy it
> 
> so here it is
> 
> crack and fluff and good old mindfuckery and bullshittery
> 
> give me some love if you enjoyed!!
> 
> p.s. slightly inspired by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jQIuYPAODg
> 
> because when i wonder why everyone loves steve i see chris <3

 

 

“Okay I think Clint’s got the corner here.”

 

“Thanks (y/n).”

 

“Anytime bud.”

 

“Obviously you’re biased.”

 

“That’s true. Thor’s pretty packing.”

 

“I had not anticipated going on a trip; did we have a mission coming up?”

 

You were about to slap yourself in the forehead but Tony did it for you. “OW!”

 

“What? Mission?” Innocent Steve came walking in. “I wasn’t briefed on that. Is it this week?!”

 

“What?! No!” Clint looked at him like he was an idiot. “Wait, what’s going on this week?!”

 

“Not a mission, apparently.” You supplied helpfully.

 

“Uh, yeah. That.” Steve took a silent breath at your accidental save.

 

“Hmm…” Tony regarded Steve with suspicious eyes, since he had freaked out about a supposed mission specifically being this week. Was he blushing? Oh yeah. Steve was always blushing. And he was probably freaking out about a surprise mission in general, date notwithstanding. Wait, was there a surprise mission? “OW!”

 

“I could tell you were getting confused in your own head,” you added enigmatically as he pinched your arm for whapping him on the back.

 

“Since when is he not out of his mind?” Nat the Cat drawled from lounging on the couch. You, Tony and Clint turned in unison and gave her the eye.

 

“You. Out.”

 

“What?!” Since when was she the one being put in time out?! By the three stooges?

 

“You’re not allowed to participate.”

 

“What are- oh.” She shrugged, albeit a bit smugly, and reached for The Economist, which Tony only ordered because chicks who didn’t dig his tiny muscles would think he was smart. Which he was. Right?!

 

“Oh my god, we forgot.” Steve stopped halfway to chomping an apple and froze as you gripped Clint’s forearms in severity.

 

“Don’t tell me. We really do have a mission.”

 

“No- why- ugh, STEVE.” Tony plopped onto a bar stool dramatically. “Is work the only thing you think about?!”

 

“Well what are you guys talking about then?!”

 

“We forgot about Bruce.” Clint returned your look and nodded gravely. “We totally did.”

 

“That’s okay.” Bruce walked in, with some of the fuzz from his flannel on his head. It was cute.

 

“How do you know what they’re talking about Bruce?!” Steve’s apple was still 6 inches from his mouth so you walked up and took a bit out of it for him. He frowned at you, considering giving it to you or perhaps throwing it away. Not that he was a germaphobe. It’s just- well, it was you.

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I’ve learned not to ask questions.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Where they’re concerned.”

 

“A very good policy I’d say,” Tony added as he took a swig from a big mug that said “Tomorrow I’ll be sober but you’ll still be ugly.” You had added ^maybe before sober in magic marker.

 

“What you don’t know won’t kill you.”

 

“Most likely.” You and Clint fist-bumped. “Hey where’s Bucky?”

 

“Why, is he your boyfriendddd?” The alcoholic burped out.

 

“Why, are you jealous?!”

 

“No way. You know it would be Nat, Pepper, the three bunnies I met last week, Nat again, Loki, and then you (y/n).”

 

“What?!” Both you and Steve yelped at the same time. Although for different reasons.

 

“You put Natasha before Pepper?!”

 

“Hey, at least she made it before three Playboy girls, Steve.” You patted him on the shoulder comfortingly. “Does that make them PlayGirls?”

 

“I think they’re called Playmates, (y/n).”

 

“Wow you sure learned earth slang fast Thor.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“That wasn’t a compliment, Thor.” Clint clarified for you. “You’re still calling it swimming on the line, and watching The Youtubes.”

 

“That’s what it’s called. The Youtubes.”

 

“It’s called Youtube, Thor.” Nat decided to save the drowning Norse God. “And she’s insinuating that you’re only learning the perverted stuff first.”

 

“That is entirely false!” Thor thundered indignantly. “Clearly she is in the back.”

 

“That’s frontin, Thor.” You poked Tony in the ribs before he could slap you in the forehead for you again. That was your damn move, damnit. The expression is facepalm, not facesomeoneelse’spalm. Or palmsomeoneelse’sface.

 

“What’s going on?” Bucky walked in, his arm slightly scratched from where you and Clint had spray painted Sexy Bitch. Apparently paint thinner, rubbing alcohol, and acetone were no match- it was steel wool or nothing. Or was it vibranium wool? Either way, it was looking a little worse for wear. The only reason you hadn’t been pummeled was because Clint took the fall for it- on the conditions that he could bring Tony down with him, and borrow your PS4 for a month. You knew he’d get bored after two weeks. If Tony had found out, he could have offered Clint two new PS4’s and maybe a yacht, but your bestie wasn’t that bright. Either that or he really had your back. After all, he was an assassin and Tony had engines on his feet. You, on the other hand, weren’t exactly inconspicuous. Or good at hiding.

 

“Well, we’re pretty sure there isn’t a mission this week,” Steve intoned, waiting for his best friend to affirm him.

 

“Oh. Yeah there isn’t. Who made that crap up?” He looked around and zoomed in on you and Clint punching each other and laughing. “You two.”

 

“What?! Why not Tony?!”

 

“He’s next on the chopping block.”

 

For the second time in the last 10 minutes Nat the Cat had to save a life. “It was a misunderstanding on Steve’s part. This time, anyway.” You guys owed her now. Damn.

 

“Well, I think Bucky’s a solid 3rd.”

 

“Agree to disagree.”

 

“Agree to disagree? That’s pussy talk. Clearly he’s 4th!” Steve cringed at Tony’s word choice.

 

“Whatever it is, I’m not competing.” Bucky patted your head as you pouted at him.

 

“Fine who is 3rd on your list then, Tony?”

 

“Thor.”

 

“Only third?! Why?!” Thor shouted.

 

“Thor you don’t even know what we’re rating.”

 

“It matters not!”

 

“Okay now I definitely don’t want to know.” Bruce had picked up on a weird vibe and decided to voice his rare but wise words.

 

“Bruce is definitely my number one.” Clint spoke firmly.

 

“Yeah it’s close- but he’s gonna have to be my second.”

 

“I don’t want to be anyone’s anything,” Bruce spoke, alarmed, and tried to scoot out. Nat the Cat stuck out a foot to stop him. If she was sitting through these shenanigans then he would too.

 

“Tony? Who’s your first?”

 

“A gentleman never tells.” Tony leered.

 

“You’re not a gentleman, and you know that’s not what we’re talking about you pervy little fuck.”

 

“Hey you went there, not me.”

 

“Ahem.” Clint put his hands between the two of you and shoved you apart.

 

“HEY! That’s my boob, you boob!” Steve turned into a tomato while Clint played the good sport and let you kneecap him.

 

“Honestly, (y/n), do you really have to ask?”

 

“Oh, no.” Nat the Cat spoke the truth. Which was disgusting. “Tony there is no way you are number one!!”

 

“Hey, don’t hate. I was born with these babies.” Tony smirked and raised his glass, while Bruce shuddered. He really didn’t want to know anymore.

 

“Well who’s your fav then, Nat?” Clint challenged.

 

“No comment.”

 

“Come on, don’t be a lil bitch.”

 

“I said, no, comment.” Tony whimpered and ducked behind a chair at her change of tone.

 

“Oh, wow.” Bucky drawled as he got up and put his arms around you and your besties’ shoulders, knocking your heads together.

 

“OW!”

 

“I just figured out what you guys are yapping about.”

 

“Ah.” You rubbed your ear and Clint rubbed your head in support. He was so awesome you would fuck him, if that wouldn’t be like fucking your disgusting brother. Which it would be like. Not that you’d tried it. Oh, Bleh!!

 

“Whatever you’re thinking about, don’t share it,” Bucky warned, seeing your face change from mischievous to revolted.

 

“That goes for you, too,” Bruce warned right back as he dragged the coffeepot from a fuming Thor.

 

“Oh for the love of God.” Tony was getting tired of innuendos, being more of a in-your-face sleazebag type.

 

 

“We’re judging butts.”

 

 

“…….what?”

 

 

“Steve! Steve!” You rushed over as the handsome blonde soldier dropped his apple on his foot and turned purple, all without another sound.

 

“Give him a few, (y/n).” Clint advised, used to this crap. Well, your crap. All of you’s crap. He liked his team.

 

“What if he’s choking! He looks like he’s not breathing!!”

 

“He can’t be choking, he never took a bite out of the apple,” Nat the Cat added without looking up from her article on global warming.

 

“Yes, it has been you consuming it the entire time,” Thor noted helpfully, having cheered up from placing less than first in the contest he didn’t know of with only three pop-tarts. Oh. It was about butts. He turned red, then shook his mane proudly. If he was to compete with Bruce, then he would definitely come second- and third wasn’t so far off. Anyway, he was sure he was number one in Asguard.

 

“Helloooo,” you wailed as you shook Steve by the shoulders furiously. “Our Captain is dying here! Anyone? Bucky?”

 

“Hmm,” Steve’s bestie commented. “You could give him CPR, I guess.”

 

“You GUESS?! Some kind of bestie you are!!” Clint smiled proudly at his obvious superiority in bestieship, before noticing that you weren’t looking in his direction. In fact, you were starting to turn red yourself.

 

“Don’t give up on me Rogers!!” You were shaking him so hard his head was wobbling back and forth but he was still comatose. And purple.

 

“(Y/n), do you even know how to do CPR?”

 

“SHUSH!” You tried to remember as you used Steve as a human bobble-head.

 

“Is that not, like, the first lesson you learn in becoming an agent?”

 

“I don’t see you stepping up!!” You scowled at him as you ran behind the gentleman of the group and tried to remember whether you were supposed to push on his chest or stomach.

 

“Oh for heavens’ sake, just skip to the mouth-to-mouth,” Bucky admonished. “That’s what’s really going to help him now.”

 

“Oh, okay!!” You stepped forward and smushed your face forward.

 

 

A millisecond before you breathed into him you realized what you were doing. “Oh, God…” You threw Steve onto Bruce’s lap and fled, screaming over your shoulder, “I’m so sorry Steve! I can’t!”

 

 

Five minutes later, there was a soft knock on your door.

 

“Is Steve okay?”

 

“Uhm, yeah.”

 

“Did Bruce save him?”

 

“Uh, no.”

 

“But he’s okay?” You barely peeked up from your position facedown on your fluffy orange comforter as the door slid open.

 

“Yes. I am.” Apparently the blanket had muffled your hearing, as the blue-eyed hottie was the one who walked in. You breathed a sigh of relief at his face, which was once again as pale as the moon. Omigosh. Moon. Mooning. Hehe.

 

Steve rolled his eyes as he saw your eyes fill with concern first, before then bursting into giggles. What was he going to do with this goofball?

 

“I thought you were going to die,” you spoke, serious again.

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course!” You put your hands on your hips indignantly.

 

He shook his head in slight exasperation. But mostly adoration. You were something else. Entirely. That no one else should lay a hand on.

 

“But… you are okay right?!” You looked at him curiously as his face twisted into a weird look.

 

“What? Oh, yeah.” A slight smile drifted across his features, and you beamed up at his incredibly good-looking features. “Thank God.” You wanted to jump up and hug him, but you knew from experience he’d probably freeze up and grow extremely uncomfortable. Too bad he didn’t like being touched. You could practically fondle Clint, and here Mr. Fourties would be freaking out over a handshake.

 

Not that you wanted to fondle Clint. Oh, gross.

 

 

Steve took a look at your suddenly weirded out face, and contemplated asking this next question. But you had almost shook the hair right out of his head, and you had eaten part of his apple, and god damn it he deserved to ask one question before he completely lost his nerve.

 

“Uh, (y/n)?”

 

“Huh?” You snapped out of your thoughts to see Steve with an apprehensive look on his face.

 

“If you really thought I was dying-“

 

“I’m not joking!!” You interrupted.

 

“Well,” he said, rephrasing his thoughts instead of barreling on in annoyance, like everyone else in the world would with you. “Would you really rather let me die than kiss me?”

 

 

Well, now you were both frozen.

 

 

“…”

 

The word nevermind was bursting against his lips, but he held firm. Just. Stay. Calm.

 

“I’m not the only one who has CPR training, you know,” you muttered.

 

Steve’s cheeks were tingeing red, but his lips were twitching. Even if this was a turn-down, he felt relieved and slightly hysterical. Actually, maybe just in good humor. He felt like a good laugh.

 

“And…” You spoke loudly, reaching your regular volume again.

 

“Yes?” Steve bit his lip slightly to stop his chuckle, which was so damn goodlucking. Oh fuck him.

 

Oh, wait, don’t think about that (y/n). Not like that. Not now.

 

“Well I wouldn’t want my first kiss-“

 

“You’ve never been kissed?!” Steve almost never interrupted, but this nugget seemed impossible. You were so-

 

“What, you think I’m a slut?!”

 

Attractive! How could you have never been kissed before?! If only he spoke those words aloud. “N-no, that’s not-“

 

“I’m just kidding, Rogers.” You grinned and punched him in the arm, and he couldn’t help grinning right back. “Although I guess I am a bit of a slut.”

 

“I didn’t-“

 

“Compared to you, you big old virgin.”

 

“I- what?!?!” Steve looked about to turn into an eggplant so you decided to put him out of his misery.

 

“I mean, I have kissed before.”

 

“…Ah.” Anything to get off this sexual intercourse topic.

 

“I just didn’t want my first kiss with you to be that.”

 

“Oh yeah I can se-,” Steve’s acknowledgement stopped short, as did his heart.

 

Oh wow, he was so adorable. You could eat him. Wait, stop thinking that (y/n).

 

“Which I’m guessing we’ll do this Wednesday, when we’re not, in fact, going to be on a mission.”

 

“Huh?” Lights were on, but the ice hadn’t quite melted yet.

 

“Maybe before dessert at that overpriced Italian restaurant. Or maybe we’ll speed it up to right after the appetizer.”

 

“…heh.” Steve blushed and sighed at the same time, a very delicious combo. “Clint…”

 

“Is a blabbermouth. Yeah.” You wanted to punch him in the arm again, but suddenly felt shy. Really, really shy. “Although next time you probably shouldn’t make reservations in the hallway right outside my room.” At least about touching him. It was hard to be shy about what you said. You basically had no filter. Why did he even like you?!

 

“…that sounds like a good idea.” Because he’s amazing?!?! You really wanted to kiss him. Like, so, badd.

 

 

He stood in front of you, bowed slightly, as you swung your feet on the edge of bed in awkward silence.

 

You would need to get used to this.

 

“Hey you never found out who was my number one!” Or not.

 

“Your number one what?” You almost didn’t want to remind him, considering the last fiasco. Luckily he remembered on his own- at least from the lovely shade of puce he was turning. “Oh, that.”

 

“Well, it’s-“

 

“Nope!” Steve spoke loudly, surprising you, and stopping you from spewing out your answer.

 

 

“Wow! Even I can’t shut her up like that! Maybe he is the guy for her!”

 

“I could show her a few ways to shut up.”

 

“Tony, you know I can never let you into the vents again right?”

 

“It’s my tower.”

 

“And these are my vents.”

 

“Shut up both of you!”

 

“Thor- that was louder than both of us combined.”

 

 

You and Steve rolled your eyes at each other, but chose not to acknowledge the eavesdroppers.

 

 

“Nat, Bucky, I know you’re watching us through the camera in section C8.”

 

“Oh, of course you call out the spies first,” Nat the Cat complained through the intercom, with Bucky chuckling alongside.

 

“I guess we’ll finish this later then, (y/n)?”

 

Finish what, exactly, sexy? “Uhm… sure?” Steve realized his last words were not so smooth.

 

“How about we grab coffee in an hour?” That’s more like it, Rogers.

 

“Sounds good,” you agreed, trying not to kick your feet in excitement. Fortunately Steve noticed, but didn’t mention it. “I’ll see you then.”

 

“Yeah.” You needed about 30 minutes to swoon anyway.

 

 

“Oh, hey, Steve?”

 

“Hmm?” He turned, halfway out your room. “About my number one?”

 

“…” If he wanted to be with you, he would have to get used to this. Or put up with it anyway. He sighed in resignation. “Yes?”

 

“You know what?” You looked at his face contemplatively. He wanted to kiss you. Oops. He shoved that out of his mind quickly. He had to wait til Wednesday. “Forget it.”

 

“..Oh!” Steve looked at you, surprised and very relieved. “Okay!” He turned around, thanking the All American Jesus Christ in his mind.

 

 

“Aww, my baby is growing up!!” Clint wiped away tears in the vents.

 

“Boo, we don’t want one stiff turning our crazy into another stiff.”

 

“I’m getting stiff shoved in here with the lot of you.”

 

“Thor, you have no idea how dirty that sounds.”

 

 

You held your breath for a moment. Then you let it out.

 

 

“I’m looking at it!!!”

 

 

“….” Steve paused, trying to figure out what you meant. Then it hit him.

 

 

“Oh sweet Jesus Mary!!”

 

 

He fled down the hallway, trying to keep those cheeks as still as possible, as you cackled behind him.

 

Above you, the ceiling was shaking as the weight of three lovable douchebags, and over the intercom, there was some very unladylike snickering going on. At least there was still one gentleman left.

 

 

“That’s our girl, Miss (Y/n).”

 

Well, it’s not Jarvis.

**Author's Note:**

> MUAHAHAHAHHAHA
> 
> comment if you enjoyed!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> had to throw some clintlove in there. i can't help myself. so i offset it by making lovely find it disgusting. because as much as i love clint, steve is just too pure to give a girl who's thinking about someone else. STEVE IS PURE. HE ISN'T MY FAVORITE. BUT HE IS INNOCENT.
> 
> if anyone is to mess him up it's lovely. with her loveeeee. and, other stuff. hehehe.
> 
> steve is SO FUN to write!! idk why i don't love him more- i just have too much love for the other avengers.
> 
> so Stevie and you other stevelovers YOU'RE WELCOME ;)
> 
> quick poll 1: at the beginning what did you think they were voting/rating on?
> 
> quick poll 2:which line made you laugh the hardest
> 
> quick poll 3: best butt?!?! (okay i can't answer this because i'm undecided and even i feel too dirty looking up their butts on google images. someone find me the clip where the avengers decide who has the best butt
> 
> EDIT FOUND IT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZUHCyjvRMA
> 
>  
> 
> (SPOILER--------------------- it's Chris) or top 3
> 
> nat doesn't get to particIPAte because COME ON 
> 
> making up bad slang for Thor is so fun. swimming on the line anyone?
> 
> moral of the story: sometimes people don't change
> 
> good moral of the story: sometimes awesome people don't change
> 
> trying not to kick your feet in excitement- my hubs calls this happy feet. it is a real thing.
> 
>  
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!! hope you enjoyed!! Because i am coughing my lungs out and spewing mucus with the raging sweats but i wanted you to have something nice. so there! XOXO


End file.
